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| Q: I have to ask over and over before my child will do what I say. Why won't he just obey the first time? A: Because you have taught him that obeying the first time is not important to you. Q: I have not! I ask him five or six times. He knows I really mean it, doesn't he? (Hey, this is my article. You can't ask two questions!) But since you did ask, let me say that your question is not unusual. It highlights an all too common parenting situation: sometimes we accidentally teach our children the very behaviors we do not want them to do. Let's take an imaginary peak over the back yard hedge and observe how this happens. Willie is playing on the swing set when Mom asks him to please come in for supper. Willie doesn't hear Mom (which is funny because I'm a half-acre away and I heard her just fine). Anyway, Mom, being full of grace and mercy and all, gives Willie the benefit of the doubt and asks him again; only louder. I know Willie heard her that time, but just to make sure, Mom tells him once more. No response. Hmm. Willie must be deaf, because now kids from the next block are all running home for supper. Well, the swing set is a little squeaky, and kids do get deeply engaged in their play. . . So Mom gives it one more try, this time invoking Willie's middle name, and adding the classic tag: young man! Were you counting? How many times has Mom asked Willie to come to supper? Yep, we're up to four, and Willie is still just a swangin'. Mom now says, “You'll get no dessert tonight if you don't come in right this minute.” (Five). “Did you hear me?” (Six). “I said did you hear me William!” (Seven, and note that was not a question). Wow, no dessert. Now she's pulled out the big guns.  |
Or maybe Mom is using this as a teachable moment. Maybe she's strategically employing this technique to help Willie learn how to evaluate options such as the relative benefits of continuing to enjoy the pleasures of play for the moment vs. the deferred gratification of dessert bye and bye. After all, Willie is just a child; and kids will be kids, you know. So apparently Mom has brilliantly diverted the issue away from the vital life skill of immediate and cheerful obedience, to the more weighty matter of which personal pleasure do I feel like I'd prefer right now.
Moms and Dads, we have to get on track and stay the course. Little Willie would have obeyed Mom on the first request if he had been lovingly taught to do so from the time he was old enough to understand. The single most important concept a child must learn is obedience, for this is how they acquire the essential life-principle of being under authority. It was a heart of obedience that compelled Jesus to declare, “I do not seek my own will, but the will of Him who sent me” (John 5:30). And it was obedience that placed Jesus on the cross (Philip. 2:8). And it is “the obedience of faith” (Rom. 1:5 & 16:26) that leads to eternal life, for Jesus himself said, “He who does not obey the Son will not see life, but the wrath of God abides on him” (John 3:36). When a child is permitted --or might I even say trained-- to disregard proper authority, whether it be from parents, a Sunday school teacher, or the baby sitter, the result is heartache for everyone. Maybe not today, but it's coming. We reap in a different season than we sow. In 1970 Crosby, Stills, and Nash recorded a catchy hit hippie song with the lyric, “Teach your children well.” Mom is teaching Willie well, sure enough. She's teaching him the wrong thing well. Principles:
To be continued . . . Next time we'll look at what Mom should have done in that supper-time scenario. And we'll answer the question, “If Mom handles it differently, Willie obey?” If you have a question regarding parenting email it to ddegroat@globaloutreachgroup.org |