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| Q: The question I addressed in our last parenting article (November 2007) was: “I have to ask over and over before my child will do what I say. Why won't he just obey the first time?”
A: “Because you have taught him that obeying the first time isn't important to you.” Then we looked at a scenario that demonstrated this principle. By the way, this month's article will make more sense if you read the November article first. In it you'll recall that Willie was playing on the swing when Mom asked him seven times to come to supper. He ignored her and things got unpleasant. Now let's rewind to the point where Mom first called Willie and learn a better way to handle the situation. Mom calls: “Willie.” Willie acknowledges Mom. Then she says, “Please come in now for supper.”  [Parenting tip #1: Notice how Mom doesn't link Willie's name with what he would perceive as a negative request (“Willie, come in now”). Revealing the request up front gives Willie time to decide if it suits him; if it doesn't, he can pretend he didn't hear. When Willie responds to his name, he forfeits his “I didn't hear you” excuse. If Mom had said “Would you like a popsicle and another hour of play?” you can bet he'd have heard that.] But it was not a popsicle and more play time, so Willie ignored Mom and kept swinging even though he did hear her. Willie is now exhibiting what we call willful disobedience. [Parenting tip #2: It is willful disobedience when a child 1) knows what to do, 2) has the ability to do it, and 3) and chooses not to. Learn to recognize these 3 components and address them consistently.] Now we're at the moment of truth. Watch what Mom does next: she will move Willie further down the pathway of righteousness, bring nurture and training to his soul, drive out a little more foolishness, build in a little more wisdom, and develop within Willie the character quality of first-time cheerful obedience to proper authority. This is vital training for a lifetime of success through joyful submission to the lordship of Christ. [Parenting tip #3: Child training is a process. There is no magic formula. No “12 steps to a godly child.” It's a journey. And it's inconvenient, disruptive, and can make you tired. Of course this one incident will not, in itself, make or break Willie. If Mom blows it today he's not doomed to perdition-whatever that is. But if Mom get's it right, it will matter. You can build a sand castle and leave out a few grains. But you can't leave out most of them.] Mom turns the pot on the stove down to simmer and calmly walks outside to Willie. She gently stops the swing, gets down on eye level, and in kind firmness says, “Willie, you are disobeying Mom. I know you heard me. You have made a foolish choice not to obey. That makes God sad; it makes me sad, too. Now come with me.” | [Parenting tip #4: Mom's
displayed emotion is grief, not anger. Sorrow, not exasperation. Anger and
exasperation attack the child; grief and sorrow speak to the behavior.]
Mom and Willie walk back to the house hand in hand. Once inside she asks Willie to go wash his hands and come back for supper. She looks him in the eye again and says with a smile, “I expect you to obey me, right now.” Willie comes back to the table, and supper is enjoyed by all. When it is time for dessert, everyone gets some except Willie. “Hey, where's my dessert?” he asks, a little whiney. “Oh, I'm sorry, Willie. You lost that privilege when you chose to disobey me the first time I asked you to come in, remember? Obedience is really important because it leads to blessings; blessings are good things.” (Mom or Dad could continue the teachable moment with more discussion if called for. Some ideas: “Willie, you could have been enjoying dessert with us now, but your foolish choice took that away.” “Dessert is like a blessing. When you chose to disobey you lost that blessing. I want you to have a whole life full of blessings, and I will do whatever it takes to help you learn to obey; and to obey the first time you are asked.” “See, if you don't obey me now, you won't learn to obey God when you grow up. And it is a very foolish thing to disobey God. He loves you real big and wants to give big blessings to those who love Him and who show Him they love him by obeying Him.”) I know what you're thinking: Are you kidding, Dan? Nobody talks to a six-year-old like that. Did you really talk to your kids like that? [Parenting tip #5: Yes.] Conclusion: When Mom walked Willie into the house, there were a number of actions she could have chosen in response to his willful disobedience: time out, spanking, early to bed, and so forth. Parents need Godly discernment to know how to fit the consequence to the occasion, case-by-case. One size doesn't fit all. But one principle does fit all: respectful obedience on the first request. Summary:
There are dozens of ways this scenario could have played out; space doesn't permit addressing them all. If you'd like to talk through your situation, please don't hesitate to give me a call at 903-569-6592, or send an email to ddegroat@globaloutreachgroup.org. |