ddegroat@globaloutreachgroup.org
ddegroat@globaloutreachgroup.org | [printer version] |
| Q: How can I know when my child's misbehavior should be punished and when it is just the innocent immaturity of a typical toddler?
A: Let's demystify this with two clear principles: We cannot accuse a child of misbehaving until we are certain that he clearly understood what was required, and had the ability to do it. If you're unsure of your child's understanding or ability, both can be confirmed by role playing. For example, if you expect your toddler to pick up his toys at the end of play, say, “It's time to pick up toys. Let's do it together and I'll show you how.” You demonstrate by picking up a few toys and putting them in the box, then ask your child to help you, and finally let him finish on his own to your generous praise (and possibly amazement).  The next time you ask, “Please pick up your toys and put them in the box,” you'll have the confidence that he knows exactly what is expected. You can even add, “. . .just like we did yesterday.” This time, don't do it for him, just go into his room together and inspect what you expect. If picking up toys is a new skill, another brief demo by you is fine. If he does a cheerful and thorough job, praise and reward. Remember, it's not just about picking up toys. It's about instilling the character qualities of obedience, cheerful attitude, and thoroughness-so praise and reward the actions and the character qualities. On the other hand if he refuses, throws toys, pretends to be confused, pouts, or dawdles just to watch your reaction, he is demonstrating willful disobedience. He understands what is expected and has the ability to do it, but deliberately chooses not to. Your child is pushing the limits in order to discover where the real boundaries |
are and to see if what you say has meaning. It's the moment of truth . .
. or consequences. If he does not obey, it is time to respond with appropriate
punishment. You should only have to ask once; the child should cheerfully
respond. The reason children eventually obey after we ask many times, count
to ten, turn red, and raise our voice is because we have taught our
children that they do not need to obey until that point is reached.
If they can obey on the ninth request, they can also obey on the first one.
And that's the goal. It should be said that some children are more easily distracted than others. If he begins picking up toys, but then when you check back he's building a leaning tower with pizza, simply remind him of the task with the requirement that he get back to it immediately. If he does, praise the refocus (but do not reward-the rule is reward the behavior you want to see repeated). Summary:
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